South Park: The Twig of Destiny
by Vanilla Rice
Summary: Years after the Stick of Truth was cast into the sea, a new power emerges. The Twig of Destiny
1. A New Adventure Begins

"Long ago, our kingdom was torn in half. Grand Wizard Cartman vs the evil greedy jew elf Kyle. Our war nearly destroyed the whole town. But a brave warrior appeared and united us, and we cast the stick into the ocean. But that was 7 long years ago, and in that time, the king was banished from this land, and a new power has shown itself, one even more powerful than the Stick of Truth. It is... The Twig of Destiny."

"That's fucking retarded Cartman." Kyle said.

"Yeah and we're not gonna play that stupid game again." Stan added "I mean we're 15 and that's just kind of-"

"What Stan? What is it?" Cartman cut him off.

"Y'know... kids stuff..."

"The fate of the world hangs in the balence Stan, we're talking about something MORE POWERFUL than the Stick of Truth."

"Cartman" Kyle cut in "the stick of truth was literally just a stick."

"Oh yeah Kyle? Then why was the government guy after it?"

"Because he was a mentally unstable asshole who would probably have believed anything you told him as long as it involved him getting more powerful."

"Then what about Douchebag farting on Kenny's balls and the nazi zombies going away?"

"That has nothing to do with the stick, Cartman."

Just then Kenny and Butters sat down at the table. "Well I think it sounds neato, Eric!" Butters chimed in.

"Thank you Butters." Cartman said.

"Yeah, he doesn't speak for me." Said Kenny.

"Whatever Kenny you poor asshole."

"My family isn't even that poor anymore asshole, we haven't been for a while."

"Yeah well you're always gonna be poor Kenny it's genetics."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Kyle spoke up.

"Well, Kyle, it's called social darwinism. The poor are poor because they're genetically predisposed to poverty and rich people are genetically predisposed to wealth. It's the same principal as jews being big nosed shifty thieves, and it directly ties into it. There's a reason 2% of the population has 90% of the wealth."

"Cartman I- I just can't anymore I don't even have the energy to argue with you."

"Cartman, you ever think you're a caricature of yourself?" Stan asked.

"What do you mean?" Cartman asked.

"Well everyone here has changed over the years, like everyone does. But you haven't changed at all since the 3rd grade, you're the same as you've always been."

Stan was right, everyone but Cartman really had changed, and quite a bit. You could tell just by looking at them. Stan had recently taken to wearing the same Thrasher hoodie every day, one of the 666 ones, he also developed an interest in film making and you'd be hard pressed to find him without a video camera on him "just in case". Kyle started cutting his hair short and wearing hats less, and wore mostly dorky t-shirts under his suede jacket. He wanted to be a writer, he'd written a few scripts for Stan. They've started countless "projects" together but haven't followed through on any of them.

Kenny always wore a plain white t-shirt and jeans, even on the coldest days all he wears is a t-shirt. He also has small earrings in either ear, and a sledding accident in 7th grade knocked one of his teeth out and he never got a fake one because his family may not have been poor anymore but they certainly weren't well off and he didn't want them to worry about it. He's taken a sort of laid back approach to life not really caring where he ends up after high school. Butters, who he started dating in 9th grade, was always by his side. Butters had a new interest every week. He would come in every monday talking about something new.

And then there was Cartman, the same Cartman he's always been, unchanged since 3rd grade.

"No way, Stan, that's stupid. Anyway come on guys, we have to get the Twig before the Moorish do!" Cartman declared.

"That's it, I'm going to sit somewhere else." Kyle took his tray and sat at another table, Stan shrugged and followed after him. Kenny began to stand up but Butters tugged at his shirt, Kenny rolled his eyes and sat back down. "Well gosh Eric me and Ken'd sure love to play!"

"Thank you Butters, but I'm afraid this is no game, the Twig of Destiny is very real and very powerful."

Butters giggled not taking Cartmans story seriously. "So should I come over to your house as Paladin Butters later?"

"Yes that would be optimal."

"And I'll get Ken to come as Princess Kenny."

"No no no, fuck that and fuck the twig of fucking destiny, I'm not wearing a fucking dress." Kenny was clearly physically upset by that.

"Aw c'mon Ken, you loved being Princess Kenny." Butters giggled.

Kenny spasmed "When I was 9, Butters, WHEN I WAS FUCKING 9!"

"C'mon Kenny you went all Tweek and Craig on us two years ago when you decided to shove your dong up Butters' ass, you can put on a stupid little dress." Cartman said.

Kenny was burning with rage, his face had gone completely red. "I never-" he stopped himself. He stood up. Butters tugged his shirt again but Kenny pulled himself away. He walked over to stan and Kyle and sat down with them.

"Gee, Eric, I'm sorry everyone else is ignoring you, I'll be sure to come right over and play right after school though."

"Very good, Butters, the Grand Wizard will be waiting for you, 3pm sharp."

"Yes sir!"


	2. A New Adventure Begins For Real Now

Butters knocked on Cartmans door. Cartman opened it. "Paladin Butters The Merciful, at your service m'lord!" Butters exclaimed.

"Ah yes, my Paladin, come with me to the courtyard." Cartman said. He was wearing his wizard robes and pointed hat. When he arrived in the yard Butters noticed Clyde, Bebe, and Jimmy were the only ones who came. Jimmy was wearing his old bard costume. Clyde was wearing a knight costume that was a lot more detailed and intricate than his last one. And Bebe was wearing what seemed to be a sort of barbarian costume.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" He said as he skipped out the back door.

"Hey, B-B-Butters." Jimmy said.

"Hey Butt boy, I'm just here for Bebe." Clyde said.

"Well why are you here Bebe?" Butters asked.

"Because the Twig of Destiny is even more powerful than the Stick of Truth." She answered.

Butters giggled. "Ok, is this everyone Eric?"

"Yep that's about it. Almost got Scott Malkinson to join but he's too busy trying to create super diabetes with his diabetic girlfriend because he's Scott Malkinson and he has diabetes."

"Alright well, what now?" Butters asked.

"Now we discuss lore." Cartman replied.

"Lore?" Clyde groaned. "What lore could there possibly be to discuss, you had us all read 90 page lore books before we played stick of truth."

"Stick of Truth was 7 years ago, Clyde, shit has been going down in the land of Zaron and you gotta know it." Cartman shouted.

"Yeah, Clyde you can't expect 7 years to pass and for nothing to happen." Bebe scolded him.

"A-are you serious right now?" Clyde asked her.

"What?"

"You- you really want to hear the lore of the land of Zaron in the 7 years since stick of truth happened."

"Shut the fuck up Clyde you're just trying to get the word count up."

"That's all the lore is gonna be, just filler to get the word count up."

"OH SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU." Cartman cut in. "A new power has shown itself even more powerful than the Stick of Truth it is the Twig of destiny. The once mighty wizard king must lead his rag tag band of warriors into the lands of Zaron to find it before it falls into the hands of evil, there was that so hard to listen to Clyde?"

Clyde crossed his arms and hunched over.

"Ok men, now, WE QUEST!" Cartman proclaimed and hurried out the gate. No one followed him. "That means follow me guys." He poked his head back into the yard. Everyone stood up and walked slowly behind him. Not super slowly but just slow enough that he had to keep stopping to give them time to catch up.

The party trudged off into the woods in search of the Twig of Destiny. The epic quest consisted of walking into the woods to find a twig.

"Is this one it Eric?" Butters called.

"Hmm, no" Cartman replied "no that's more stick than twig."

"How b-b-b- how b-b-b-bou-ououuu- how b-b-b-bout this one?" Jimmy asked.

"No that's more branch than twig, c'mon guys we're looking for the fucking twig of fucking destiny this isn't a fucking 'lets see who can find the prettiest stick' contest. This is real life I'm looking for real shit."

"How about this one?" Bebe held up a slightly bent twig with one small offshoot that had a single green leaf hanging off it.

Cartman inched closer to her. "Yes lady Bebe, that's it, you hold in your hand the Twig of Destiny." He reached out his hand. "Give it here."

Bebe recoiled. "No"

"Huh?"

"No screw you I'm keeping it for myself."

"Judas, SHE'S A JUDAS GET HER BUTTERS."

"What?" Butters yelped at Cartman suddenly raising his voice.

"SHE TOOK THE FUCKING TWIG GET IT FROM HER!"

"Uh, ok." Butters charged at Bebe with his hammer in the air. Bebe turned around and started running. "Get back here, uh, ya Judas!" Butters yelled half heartedly.

"FUCK YOU BUTTERS!" Bebe yelled.

Suddenly something hit Butters in the back of the head and he fell face first into the snow. "Oww, what the heck?"

"GO BEBE I'LL HOLD THEM OFF."

"Clyde? You're in on it?" Cartman looked puzzled "But you said this was totally stupid and gay."

Clyde was holding Butters down. "It is totally stupid and gay but Bebe's my girlfriend I gotta help her if this is what you wanna do."

"Fuck, Jimmy chase Bebe I'll take care of Clyde!"

"W-why me? I-I'm a cripple."

"Uhhh fellas?" Butters said from under Clyde.

"So what dude you have super-speed."

"Fellaaaaas."

"When we're playing superheroes d-d-d-dipfuck."

"Fellas this is important."

"Shut up Butters, ok so just pretend you're playing superheroes and chase after-"

"Bebe's gone fellas she got away." Butters interrupted.

"What?" Cartman looked at him.

"She ran into the woods while you two were arguing."

Clyde stood up. "Ahahahaha, you idiots fell for her ingenious plan! I-I think. Hahaha" and he ran into the woods after her.

"FUCK." Cartman screamed. "MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING SHIT EATING DONKEY DICKS. WHY CAN'T WE EVER PLAY THESE GAMES WITHOUT SOMEONE BEING A FUCKING TRAITOR."

"W-well shit." Jimmy muttered.

"Aw c'mon Eric this is the beginning of an adventure, we'll get that Judas and we'll have fun doing it."

"Butters, you're so stupid."

"Aw c'mon, I'll get Kenny to play with us, and Stan and Kyle too."

"No, not Stan and Kyle, they're a bunch of assholes who think they're too good for us. Kenny might be good though, we need a chick for diversity since Bebe turned out to be a butt fucking traitor."

"We'll find her Eric, now lets go back inside your mom said she was making pizza rolls." Butters walked back to the house and the other two followed him.

As they sat at the table the doorbell rang. "Ugh, MOM GET THE FUCKING DOOR!" Cartman shrieked at the top of his lungs.

"Oh, Eric, I think it's your little friends at the door." She said.

"Oooohhh my gooood." Cartman moaned. He opened the door to see Stan and Kyle. "What do you want?" He asked. Kyle was in his elf king costume and Stan in his knight costume.

"Hey dude," Kyle said "we were just here to apologize and, and say we really want to play with you."

Cartman looked him up and down. "No."

"Huh?"

"No you can't play with me, now get out of my front yard before I beat you up."

"Dude what the hell?" Stan cut in. "We just want to- OW WHAT THE HELL??" Cartman hit him in the face with his staff.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"I said we just want to apo-" WHACK!! "OW Jesus dude".

WHACK

WHACK WHACK WHACK, Cartman hit Stan and Kyle over and over again. "I'm sorry could you please speak up you guys?"

Stan and Kyle ran down out of Cartmans yard. "YOU'RE GONNA REGRET THIS FAT BOY!" Kyle yelled "YOU'RE GONNA REGRET THIS!!!"


	3. Wendy

Wendy sat on her couch on her phone. "God dammit, Bebe, pick up your phone." She mumbled to Bebe. Of course Bebe wasn't actually there otherwise Wendy wouldn't be calling her, she was actually talking to the vague idea of Bebe that existed in her mind. She wanted to get in touch with her mysteriously absent friend because she had just seen Stan Marsh running down the street in the same knight costume he wore when he was 10 years old. Her and Stan had dated on and off for their whole lives, but they had been off for about a year. That didn't stop Wendy from obsessing over him all the time. She called up her second choice in friends to yell about Stan at over the phone, Red. Red picked up the phone on the second ring. "Red oh my god, you will NOT believe what I just saw, Stan Marsh running down the block in a knight costume. I swear to you it was the same exact one he wore in 4th grade when we played stick of truth remember?" She said before the person on the other line could even get a word out. Wendy prided herself on not getting involved in gossip and drama but when it came to Stan she couldn't help herself.

"Uhh, yeah I remember, but this isn't Red." A boys voice said on the other end.

"Ugh, give her the phone, Kevin." Wendy groaned.

"Hello?" Red said once she got the phone.

"Red oh my god, you will NOT believe what I just saw, Stan Marsh running down the block in a knite costume. I swear to you it was the same exact one he wore in 4th grade when we played stick of truth remember?" Wendy said.

"Omg, no way!" Red gasped.

"Yup," said Wendy, "Kyle was with him and he was all dressed up too, same thing, stick of truth costume."

"Were they all small? Like, did they put on the same exact tiny child sized costumes?"

"No, which is, like, the weirdest part of the whole thing. They were exact recreations but they were perfectly fitting. Ugh Stan is so weird I swear it."

"So weird he is so weird seriously, Wendy."

The two were on the phone in silence for a moment. "So you wanna come over?" Red asked after a 2 minutes.

"Yeah sure." Wendy replied.

"Babe, it's supposed to be date night." Kevin said to Red.

"It's fine, Kevin, you won't even notice Wendy's here." Red assured him. Kevin shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Wendy was walking down the street staring down at her phone. Suddenly she was knocked backwards. "Oh um sorry." A voice said. She looked up to see Stan standing over her. "Oh, uh, hey W-Wendy." He reached his hand out to help her up.

"Hi Stan." She replied and took his hand.

"Stan!" Kyle called, he was running back with Ike, who was wearing a pirate costume. "What happened? O-oh, hi Wendy."

"Hi Kyle." She said. "So, uh, what's up guys?"

"Oh we're just, uh, plotting our revenge on Cartman." Stan said.

"Oh... hm..."

"Well, uh, see ya, c'mon Kyle."

"Yeah bye Stan."

"Dude what was that all about?" Kyle said as they ran away.

Wendy continued to Reds house alone. When she arrived Red opened the door for her. Kevin Stoley was sitting awkwardly on her couch. "Hey Wendy." She said.

"Hey Red." Wendy responded.

"Hey Wendy." Kevin said. Wendy didn't respond.

"So what do you want to do?" Asked Red.

"I dunno," Said Wendy, "just hang out?"

"I want to spend time with my girlfriend." Said Kevin. They both ignored him.

Wendy sat down on the couch and Red sprawled herself out on the rest leaving Kevin to sit on the floor. They sat in silence scrolling through their phones for about 30 minutes, Kevin occasionally showing Red a meme or something, and her response every time was to fake laugh and kiss him on the head. As much as Red could seem completely oblivious to Kevin's feelings, mostly because a lot of the time she is, she really does love him. Their relationship is odd because they're seemingly incompatible, yet somehow they've been together since fourth grade, with one minor hiccup during the whole skankhunt incedent which was neither of their faults. If you really look at the relationships among the now teenagers of South Park all of them seem to make enough sense. Clyde and Bebe are both the closest you can find to the "popular kids" stereotype. Tweek and Craig were always in the same social circle. Sophie and Scott have diabetes. But whatever has kept Red and Kevin together for all these years appears to be a mystery. When asked about it Red will tell you "he's cute and funny" and not really elaborate much. If you asked Kevin he'd give you a Ted Talk on their relationship but you'd still come out of it completely confused.

"Hey, Bebe just texted me." Said Wendy interrupting my essay about Red and Kevin's relationship before I even got to my thesis statement. Kevin jolted up and ran out of the room. Red and Wendy stared at the door he ran through and then at each other. "Okaaaay, anyway she said to meet her at Starks Pond 'now like now now'"

"Huh, weird." Said Red.

Wendy responded to Bebe asking why. "I asked why and she said if she told me I wouldn't believe her." Said Wendy.

"So are you gonna go?" Asked Red.

"I'll go if you and Kevin come with, it's too weird sounding to go alone."

"Yeah that makes sense. Hey Kev, we're gonna head down to Starks Pond to meet up with Bebe, Wendy wants you to come with." She called to Kevin.

"Actually I'm not going anywhere." Kevin jumped into the room dressed as a Vulcan and pointing a toy phaser at them. "And neither are you."


	4. Stan and Kyle's Revenge

"Dude this is gonna be so awesome." Stan said to Kyle as they ran down the street.

"I know dude," Kyle replied "he's not even gonna know what hit him."

"Alright well we've just about made it home I guess, I'll see you guys tomorrow." Stan said.

"Yeah see ya man." Kyle said.

"Oh and Ike." Stan called.

"Yeah Stan?" Ike said.

"You're the best for this." Stan gave Ike a high five and ran home.

The next day at school the boys all sat together like nothing happened the night before. As far as Cartman was concerned Stan and Kyle were scared off from playing the game, and Kyle's promises that he would "regret this" were nothing but empty threats. Although he was left with a small amount of unease because he couldn't wrap his head around why they wanted to play in the first place. But his own superiority complex forced these thoughts to the back of his mind.

"So, any plans tonight Cartman?" Kyle asked smugly. The smugness was completely lost on Cartman.

"Oh not much just gonna be wearing sweet costumes and playing awesome games with my friends Butters and Jimmy." Cartman put extra emphasis on the word friends.

"Oh yeah? Anything exciting happening in the land of Zaron that I'm missing out on?" Kyle asked.

"Oh yeah we got tons of cool and awesome shit happening, but you can't be a part of it since you said it was retarded."

"I did say that didn't I? Oh well, such is the folly of man I guess. Really regret not being able to play now."

"I'm sure you do, Kyle, I'm sure you do."

Stan sat down with his tray next to them. "Hey guys, have you seen Wendy today?" He asked.

"I haven't." Said Kyle.

"No, why?" Said Cartman. "Trying to find a way back in Stanny boy?"

"No it's not that," Stan answered, "it's just that she hasn't missed a day of school since kindergarten, just, y'know, interesting that she's not here."

"Hm, that is weird." Kyle said.

Cartman chuckled like he knew something but the other two didn't notice.

"Awww c'mon Ken, please, I promise it'll be fun." Butters said as him and Kenny sat at the table.

"No, Butters, I'm not putting on that stupid fucking dress, enough now." He said angrily.

"Hmph, fine, but you're missing out." Butters whined.

"Kenny, look, it's not a big deal, was it a big deal last time?" Cartman said.

"No, but last time was fourth grade, we're in 10th grade now." Kenny retorted.

"Ok I'm gonna level with you here Kenneth, Stan and Kyle go away, you can't hear this stuff because you aren't playing."

Stan and Kyle looked at each other and then walked away.

"Kenny we need more members ok?" Cartman started. "Clyde and Bebe both turned out to be traitors and they ran off, they're probably building an army and right now Kupa Keep is at three people. We NEED you Kenny." Cartman was practically begging him.

"No, I am not doing it, I am not putting on the dress, it is the one thing I will not do, and if you don't want to stop talking about it I'm leaving right now." Kenny stormed out of the cafeteria.

"Aww, Ken wait up!" Butters ran after him.

"Hey, Cartman have you seen Bebe today?" Clyde said as he walked by.

"Shut up, Clyde." Was all Cartman daid.

"Oh hey by the way Kyle," Stan started, now sitting at a new table, "why did you want to play with Cartman in the first place?"

"Oh, y'know, uh, I just thought it be, uh, fun. Like old times, y'know?." Kyle said.

"Yeah I get that, I was a bit skeptical at first but I'm actually having a lot of fun, like getting into character and stuff, I get why we liked it so much when we were younger." Said Stan.

"Haha, yeah."

"Anyway everything with Ike is on right?"

"Mostly, just waiting for the final ok." Just then the bell rang.

"Ugh serioulsly? Already?" Stan groaned.

"Yeah, it's like they make lunch shorter than every other period." Kyle agreed. "Meet me after school in front of Cartmans house."

"Got it."

It was about 5 P.M. "No Butters, we can't just ask for it back nicely." Cartman shouted.

"Why not? I'm sure if we were nice enough about it, she'd be nice enough to give it back." Butters said.

"Jimmy do you have any ideas?" Cartman asked.

"W-well, what if we f-f-formed an alliance?" He suggested.

"No we aren't forming an alliance with her." Cartman shot his idea down.

"Wait, Eric, I actually think that's a good idea." Butters said.

"Shut up, Butters, nobody cares what you think." Cartman put his head in his hands. "The only way this can work is if we have more people. We need to do a full on assault." Just then the doorbell rang.

"Oh god please tell me that's Kenny." Cartman said to himself as he walked over to the door. Butters and Jimmy followed. He opened the door to see Kyle and stan

"Hey Cartman." Kyle said, a wide smile across his face.

"Uhh what are you doing here?" Cartman said.

"Just seeing if you'd let us play with you." Kyle said

"No, get the fuck out of here Kyle."

"Alright just know we gave you a chance."

"What?"

"PIRATES ATAAACK!!!!" Kyle screamed. Every middle schooler in South Park jumped out of the bushes screaming dressed like pirates, they all charged Cartman

. They tackled him to the ground. Kyle ran past him and headed for the stairs. "BUTTERS, BUTTERS STOP HIM!!!" Cartman yelled.

"I CAN'T," Butters yelled back, "THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM."

"My crutches," Jimmy said, "th-they took my crutches. I c-can't st-st-stand up."

"Alright alright give him to me." Stan said lifting Cartman up. He held his arms behind his back and put his sword against his throat.

"Alright fatass." Kyle said coming down the stairs. "Let us play with you or I'm gonna break your X Box."

"You don't have the guts to break my X Box."

Kyle rose his golf club in the air. "3... 2... 1..."

"Ok ok stop, you can play with us, you can play with us." Cartman blurted out. "You can play with us on one condition."

"Alright, what's your condition?"

"I want full controll over the pirate faction."

"It's up to you Ike, you're king of the pirates."

"Hell no!" Said Ike. "I'm not working for that asshole."

"Well then I guess you aren't playing with us." Cartman said.

"Ok say goodbye to your X Box." Said Kyle.

"WAIT WAIT OK. New condition new condition. The pirates join Kupa Keep as allies, but Ike maintains full control."

"Ike?"

"Fine." Ike said.

"Then that's it? You won't break my X Box?" Cartman asked.

"Hold on, I have a condition too." Kyle said. "I want full personal access to Kupa Keep and all it's resources."

"What? No I am not-" Kyle raised his golf club "OK OK STOP FINE. You can have access to my resources just don't break my X Box."

"Ok, you can let him go now." Kyle said.

Stan threw Cartman down. "Oh oh X Box." Cartman crawled over to his X Box and hugged it like it was his child. "I'll never let you out of my sight again."

Stans phone rang. "Oh hang on guys I gotta take this." Stan slipped into the other room.

"Just remember fatass the pirates don't like you, at my word they will break your X Box."

"Alright Kyle, I think you've scared her enough." Cartman pet his X Box like a dog.

"You're so stupid."

Stan walked back into the room after a few minutes. "Uh guys, that was Wendy on the phone, you won't believe it."


	5. The Night Before

Kevin stood there pointing his phaser at Red and Wendy.

"What the hell are you doing, Kevin?" Wendy sighed.

"I can't let you go see Bebe, orders directly from the wizard king." Said Kevin.

"The wizard king? You're playing with them?" Wendy asked.

"You're taking orders from him?" Red cut in. "You're kidding me right?"

"The kingdom of Kupa Keep has been a friend of the federation since the great battle of Clyde's back yard, Red, you know this." Kevin said.

"Yeah, but you said 'orders directly from the wizard king' he's using you." Red said.

"Hold on a minute, you're in on this too Red?" Wendy looked extremely puzzled.

"He's my friend, Red, I can't just ignore him, he told me to make sure that you don't see Bebe." Kevin said, completely ignoring wendy.

"Did he even tell you why?" Said Red, who was also completely ignoring Wendy.

Kevin lowered his phaser slightly. "N-no he didn't."

"Did he even let you go to Kupa Keep?" She asked.

"No..."

"Did you want to go?"

"Yeah, I asked if I could come over."

"And what did he say?"

"No, he said that I'm a dork and that I'm not cool enough to go to Kupa Keep."

"He's using you, and he won't even let you see the place you're defending, does that really seem fair to you?"

Kevin lowered his phaser all the way. "No, he's always treated me like shit, and then he makes me do his dirty work."

"Now, whatever Bebe is doing, let's go see her and then we can choose sides."

"Oh that fat turd, he fucking used me, he used me for so long."

"Red seriously, what's going on?" Wendy asked.

"Oh come on I've been dating Kevin for years, I'm bound to get involved in his shenanigens at some point, and it sounds like Bebe has gotten involved with Clyde's." She whispered.

"So... we are going to see Bebe?" She questioned.

"Yeah we are."

The three left for Starks Pond. Upon arriving at Starks Pond they found no sign of Bebe anywhere.

"Well I knew it would be weird since she was telling us to meet her at the weird pond at the end of town, but this is slightly weirder than I was expecting." Said Wendy.

"BEBE? BEBEEEE?!?" Kevin shouted getting no answer. "Hmm, this does seem to be quite a predicament."

"Hey guys, there's a note here." Said Red, picking up said note. "'We have Bebe and the Twig. We know you have ties to the wizard king through your boyfriend, but he wouldn't be so stupid as to come to Stark's Pond by himse- AAHHH" she was cut off as she was tackled to the ground. Kevin and Wendy were also quickly subdued.

"Now you will feel the wrath of the Moorish!" Scott Malkinson said as he stepped out of a bush.

"Scott?" Kevin said. "Scott it's me, Kevin, I'm the king of the Moorish, let us go!"

"Are you the king of the Moorish, Kevin? Or are you the Vulcan Captain of the starship Enterprise?" Scott said, menacingly.

"What?"

"We knew you had other loyalties, and when you accepted the Wizard king's mission, you showed us who you truly prioritize."

Kevin got a brief whiff of an unfamiliar scent, heard Scott Malkinson yell something, and then passed out. When he woke up he noticed he was in somebodies basement but he didn't recognize who's. He felt some odd pressure on his wrists, ropes, he was tied up. "What the fu-" he managed to barely whisper. Everything was blurry, he heard Scott Malkinson yelling again. "YOU FUCKING CHLOROFORMED THEM!!! ON WHAT PLANET IS THAT OK???"

"WELL YOU TIED THEM UP AND PUT THEM IN YOUR BASEMENT!!!" A girls voice yelled back.

"WELL WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO LEAVE THEM UNCONCIOUS BY THE LAKE???" Scott screamed.

"WELL YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TIE THEM UP!!!"

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CHLOROFORM THEM!!!"

At this point Wendy began to wake up as well. "Holy shit..." She muttered. She was barely concious, seeing in double vision. Though it was blurry, she was able to make out Scott Malkinson and Sophie Gray. "Hey y-y-you guys better untie us right now." She slurred, still not fully awake.

"Fuck they're up, what do I do?" Sophie asked Scott.

"I don't know, do we just put them back to sleep?" Scott suggested.

"Oh ok, so now the chloroform is a good idea?"

"Well we already did it once!"

"Bebe..." Wendy said. "Where's Bebe?"

"Huh?" Scott looked at her like she had 3 heads.

"The note said you had Bebe, where is she?"

"Oh, uh, we actually lied about that."

"Why would you lie about something like that?"

"I don't know, Sophie said it would be a good idea."

Sophie glared at Scott. It was at this point that Red began to come to as well. As Wendy and Kevin attempted to explain the situation to her Scott and Sophie went upstairs. "So what do we do with them?" Sophie asked.

"I guess just leave them there for now." Scott said.

"What? Why? Can't we let them out to go to school?"

"No, they'll totally tell an adult or something."

"Hmmm, good point, lets lock the door and just leave them until we think of something

After about a full day, and all of their chairs falling over, Wendy finally managed to loosen her ropes enough to slip her arms out. She took her phone, which Scott and Sophie had left in her pocket, out and dialed Stan. Her logic behind this was that Stan was playing this stupid game and would probably come to her rescue, but deep inside she just wanted Stan to come to her rescue.

"Stan, Scott and his girlfriend kidnapped me, Red, and Kevin Stoley. It has something to do with your game, we're tied up in his basement. He said he doesn't know anything about where Bebe is, apparently Bebe has the twig of destiny, she's the one who called us to Starks Pond, where we were kidnapped, so I don't know what's up with that, anyway can you come get us?" Wendy said before Stan could even comprehend the fact that she was talking.

"Ok I'll come get you, but you just need to repeat everything you just said at like half the speed."


	6. Cartman Gets a Tampon to the Face

"So, she said that Scott Malkinson and Sophie Gray had Bebe's phone and texted them to come out to Starks Pond, where they chloroformed them and kidnapped them." Stan explained to everyone.

"Wait so that's why they weren't in school today?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah, I guess so." Stan said.

"Wait so they used chloroform?" Cartman asked.

"That's what Wendy told me."

"Sweet, I'm running low and my dealer just skipped town, I gotta text Scott; ask him where he got it from." Cartman took out his phone and started typing away.

"Well actually, Sophie was the one who chloroformed them, apparently Scott was really pissed at her about it." Said Stan.

"Where did they take 'em after they kidnapped 'em?" Butters asked.

"Scott's house, apparently he tied them up in his basement."

"'You can't chloroform people, Sophie, that's bad. Now help me tie these people up and put them in my basement I'm Scott Malkinson I have diabetes.'" Cartman did his best Scott Malkinson impression, which wasn't very good. Although he sure seemed to think it was funny as he laughed out loud immediately after saying it.

"What d-douchebags." Jimmy said. "Why did they even k-k-kidnap my h-h-home dogs in the first place?"

"I don't know, I guess they think we're secretly working with Bebe or something and the whole her stealing the twig thing is just a diversion to throw them off our trail. I gotta say I don't blame them, it's not really like Bebe to want to play these kinds of games.

"Dude, we shouldn't be just standing here talking about this, we have to do something!" Kyle exclaimed. "I suggest Cartman and Stan go rescue them, and me Butters and Jimmy stay here."

"Why do you think us two should go?" Stan asked.

"Because you two are obviously the most strong, cool, epic and not fat of all of us. Only two brave warriors who are totally rad and awesome could do something like this, us losers can't possibly handle such a tremendous undertaking." Kyle Gestured to himself, Butters, and Jimmy.

"Well, I'm not sure what's gotten into you Kyle," Cartman said, Kyle gulped thinking Cartman might be onto him, "but I think I like it. Finally you're starting to realize how glorious I am in comparisson to you. Very well, come Sir Stan, we have a very important quest."

As him and Cartman left the house, Stan eyed Kyle suspiciously. He knew he would never in a million years say anything that nice to Cartman unless he was scheming, and usually when he was scheming he told him. Kyle watched the two walk down the block until they were completely out of sight.

"And So Sir Stan Marshwalker and Eric The Awesome and Cool journeyed forward to rescue their taken comrades." Cartman exposited to thin air. "A fair challenge lies ahead, who knows what hardships are to follow. Ahead of them lies adventure and they're strength still lies within, the heroes journey onward."

"Hey, Cartman, what do you think Kyle is up to?" Stan asked?

"What do you mean? Seems like he's finally come to his senses and realized I'm the alpha of the friend group, and it seems like you're coming to yours as well."

"What do you mean?"

"He's a sneaky little jew, he's always up to SOMETHING, you're just picking up the scent for once."

"Oh Jesus Christ dude, shut up, I meant because Kyle would never say anything nice to you."

"Why not? I'm super awesome and great."

"Whatever we're here, how do you wanna play this?"

They stood in front of Scott Malkinsons house looking up at it like it was a giant castle. "They're in the basement, we could probably sneak in and out really really fast if we go through the window." Cartman suggested.

"Yeah, they're usually on the side of the house come on." Stan knelt down next to the window and looked in.

"Can you see them?" Cartman asked.

"Yeah, they aren't tied up they're just sitting there." Stan answered as he tried to jerk the window open. "Shit it's locked." He reeled back to kick it in, his foot hit the glass with a loud thud, alarming the 3 teenagers inside, but not making the glass so much as crack.

"Move out of the way, Stan, I can do this." Cartman fiddled with the window for around 5 seconds and the lock opened with a pop. The window creeked open as Cartman pushed it in.

"Dude, that's uber cool." Stan said.

"Yeah I'm pretty good at breaking and entering, look I didn't even break the lock." Cartman said, crawling in. He dropped down to the floor, Stan following shortly after.

"Stan!" Wendy exclaimed and threw herself into Stan's arms. Stan blushed.

"You guys actually came for us, I can't believe it." Said Kevin.

"Yeah, I'm surprised Cartman actually showed up in person." Red added.

"Yes it is very shocking indeed." Said a voice from the top of the stairs. "But it's nothing that we can't handle." Scott Malkinson glared down at them menacinly, Sophie at his side.

Back at Cartmans house Kyle was rummaging through Cartmans stuff. "Where is it where is it, it's gotta be here somewhere." He muttered to himself as he threw everything from toys to underwear over his shoulders. "God damn it." He said as he stood up. As he stood he heard the door open behind him.

"Kyle? What are you doing in here?" Butters questioned him.

"Oh jeez, Butters it's not what it looks like." Said Kyle.

"It looks like you're searching Erics room to find incriminating information to get him out of power so that you can take his place as king of kupa keep." Butters said sternly.

Kyle couldn't wrap his head around why Butters jumped to that conclusion, but it was better than him knowing what he was actually doing. "Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing, Butters."

Butters began to giggle in weirdly sinister way, well as sinister a way you could giggle being Butters. "I want in."

"What?" Kyle was surprised.

"I want in, Cartman is a bad leader, Jimmy agrees with me. I wouldn't start a revolution my myself but now that you're starting it I wanna join."

"Uh, y-you can't have in." Kyle sighed.

"Why not?"

Kyle's lie that seemed perfect to throw Butters off his trail had backed him into a corner. "Just don't question it, this is just something I need to do by myself."

"No, I want to be in, c'mon Kyle we can be co-kings."

"We aren't going to be co-kings."

Butters rocked back and forth on the soles of his feet. "Fine then Kyle, you leave me no choice." He said raising his hammer in the air, he didn't sound too sure of himself.

"Dude, come on, don't do this." Kyle lifted his golf club up off the floor.

"Take this!" Butters shouted trying to sound tough, his hammer clanged loudly against Kyle's golf club. Kyle took one swing at Butters and hit him on the side of the head. Butters immediately fell to the ground with a loud thunk.

"What happened?" Said Jimmy appearing at the door.

"I was looking for something it Cartman's room and Butters came up here." Kyle explained.

"S-s-so you hit him with a g-golf club?" Jimmy interrogated.

"No well he asked what I was doing and I kinda lied and he git confused and attacked me."

"Why did you l-l-lie?"

"Because I didn't want him to know what I was looking for." Kyle would have lied about this not that long ago, but it didn't really go well the last time he lied about it which was only a few minutes ago.

"W-why not? Are you p-p-planning to embarass Eric?"

"No, I think he took something of mine, I just wanted to see if I was right. Look can you take care of Butters for me? I really need to find this."

Jimmy stood there staring at Kyle for a moment. He really wanted to know what it was that Cartman took from Kyle. But at the same time he knew he'd get totally grounded if he didn't do anything about Butters.

"Alright, I'll help Butters." Said Jimmy. "I'll even forget about the thing you're looking for if you want, but you owe me one."

"Yeah sure, Jim, I owe you one."

Jimmy haphazardly pushed Butters into the hallway and down the stairs. Kyle continued tearing Cartmans room apart.

Back at Scott's house a battle was beginning. "Ah, the traitor Scott Malkinson, I hear you're working for the Moorish now." Cartman called up to him and smiled smugly.

"Well it was you that abandoned your kingdom, the rest of us had to regroup." Scott said back.

"What do you mean 'I abandoned my kingdom'?" Cartman asked, the smile leaving his face.

"When you and your friends stopped playing, everyone in kupa keep panicked, some formed their own factions, but most defected to the moorish."

"Wait, so there are more people playing?" Cartman had a mix of excitement and fear.

"You guys are talking too much, c'mon lets start going at it." Sophie bounced up and down rapidly next to Scott.

"Very well then, YAAAAAA." Scott practically flew down the stairs, sword in hand and lunged at Cartman.

"MAGIC BARRIER!" Yelled Cartman. Scott's sword stopped midair.

"Dang it!" He hacked and slashed at the air in front of Cartman.

"Stan, take care of Scott, I think Sophie is a mage which is just a less cool wizard, and you're just like, a lot stronger than Scott Malkinson."

"Got it." Stan assured as he smacked Scott's sword with his own. He pushed Scott back and Cartman ran up the stairs towards Sophie.

"FIRE BALL!" Cartman shouted as he threw a ball in the air and hit it with his staff. The ball whizzed through the air and hit Sophie square between the eyes. "Haha critical hit!" He celebrated.

"Agh, asshole, MAGIC MISSILE." Sophie threw a tampon at Cartman and it hit him right on the lips.

"GAH GROSS WAS THAT USED??" Cartman wiped his lips with his hands, then he vomitted. He vomitted onto Sophie's shirt which prompted her to vomit on the floor. She took a step and slipped on it and tumbled down the stairs. She landed at the bottom where Scott and Stan were fighting.

Stan and Scott's swords clanged together as they exchanged blows. This may sound cool but their movements were incredibly spastic and they occassionally hit the other's hand and almost always apologized for it. Regardless though, they kept fighting, and if nothing else Wendy seemed to be enjoying it.

In the confusion nobody noticed that Kevin sneaked away "Foolish captors, your primitive swords and magic are nothing against my future tech." He declared, pointing his phaser in their general direction. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at him expectantly. He paused for a moment, what he expected to happen was that Sophie and Scott would let them go immediately. "Uh- with one push of a button you will be instantly vaporized." There was another long moment of silence.

"C-can phasers really do that?" Scott asked.

"I dunno, I never watched Star Trek, it would have felt like I was betraying Star Wars." Said Sophie.

_Oh my fucking god. _Cartman thought. _They're those kinds of dorks. "_I can't believe I'm saying this, but everyone get behind Kevin Stoley."

Everyone did as Cartman said. "Stand still or I'll shoot." Said Kevin. Sophie and Scott stood still, mostly in bewilderment. The Cartman party backed away and out of the basement. Kevin shut the door.

"Hey check it out," Cartman said, "this door locks on this side." He clicked the lock shut and laughed. They all continued out of the house.

"I can't believe we did it." Stan said. Wendy was hanging off his arm.

"I guess they're a thing again." Red whispered to Kevin.

"About time, I knew they couldn't keep their hands off each other." Kevin replied. Both of them giggled quietly.

Cartmans phone vibrated, he checked it and his face turned. "And _I_ can't believe the text I just got from Jimmy." He said


	7. The Stanvelope

"Y-yeah I got a lead." Jimmy said into the phone. "Kyle was looking for something in Eric's room. Me thinks t-t-twig."

"Did he say anything about it?" The voice on the other end asked.

"He said that it w-w-was something Cartman stole from him. If my hunch is c-c-c-correct it means he's working with Bebe. I don't even th-th-think Stan knows, he made him leave before he searched. He knocked Butters unconscious so that he wouldn't get to it. And I texted Cartman that Kyle was rummaging around his room, so K-K-Kyle is out of the picture."

"So we're basing this of of a hunch? Just a hunch?" The voice commanded angrily.

"Err, n-no boss, I really feel like-"

"Your job was to get the twig as fast as possible and get out, if you have no solid evidence I really think you should just drop this and come play with us again."

"I really think K-Kyle and Bebe are connected somehow, I c-c-can just feel it. Can we just do one sweep of his house and that's it? Please one sweep." Jimmy begged.

"Fine, I'll send Tweek and Craig there tonight, but that's it, tomorrow report to the kingdom of Jakovia, operation 'Cartman is a retarded fat idiot' is off. We need to focus on finding Bebe."

"Alright, see you at school tomorrow." Jimmy hung up. He really did believe that Kyle was connected to Bebe somehow. His version of events went something like this. Cartman introduces the Twig of Destiny to the lore, therefore making him be able to get it immediately. Kyle hears this and thinks it's bullshit, he get's Bebe to join the game and deliver the twig to him. At some point the next day Cartman retrieves the twig and Bebe refuses to play anymore. Kyle convinces Stan, who isn't in on it, to come play with him and Cartman in order to get into Cartmans house and find the twig. Not wanting to share with Stan, he sends him and Cartman away to search for it. Butters comes in and to stop him from interfering he knocks him out. He would feel bad for beating up a cripple so he lies about it to him instead of knocking him out. Unfortunately Jimmy was completely wrong about all of that and the vast majority of this paragraph was completely pointless and you wasted your time reading it.

What you may find less a waste of time, however, is that at around this time Cartman was arriving home, and Kyle was still upstairs searching the room. "KYLE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"Gah, Cartman!" Kyle fell over.

"WHY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH MY STUFF KYLE?" Cartman charged him and grabbed him by his collar.

"Aaaaaaahhh, I was looking for something of mine." Kyle wheezed.

Cartman spun around and threw Kyle towards the door. It was more of a slam than a throw and Kyle fell at Cartmans feet. "I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING OF YOURS YOU STUPID RAT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"Aaahhh!" Kyle practically flew down the stairs and out the door.

Cartman sat down. "Oh god, oh god that was close." He said to himself. He did have something that belonged to Kyle, he wasn't quite sure what it was, but he knew what he hoped it was, and Kyle almost found it. Cartman opened up the bottom drawer on his bureau and took out an envelope that said To Stan, From Kyle. "It's still here, oh thank god it's still here."

Later that night Tweek and Craig were sneaking into Cartmans room. "Alright, Tweek you gotta be quiet." Craig said.

"GAH, I KNOW, CRAIG." Tweek yelped.

"No, you see you just yelled that, you need to whisper if you're gonna say something."

"gah, i know, craig." Tweek whispered loudly.

"Uh, good enough I guess. Now help me line the ladder up with his bedroom window."

The two climbed up. Craig peeked into the window and saw Cartman pacing while yelling over the phone. "Shi-AGH!" Craig fell down and brought Tweek down with him. "Tweek? I'm sorry are you ok?"

"Gah, I think you knocked my eye out of it's socket." Tweek said through his teeth, covering his right eye.

"Tweek I'm sure I didn't knock your eye out of it's socket, let me see." Craig said grabbing Tweek's arm.

"NO!" Tweek yelled and pushed Craig away. "If you move my hand it'll fall out all the way, we need to get to a hospital right now."

"Just let me see it." Craig moved in again, this time only getting slightly less resistance from Tweek. He managed to pry the other boys hand away from his eye. "See, Tweek? It's fine."

"No I can't see, oh god I just realized I can't see my own eyes. Oh god what if something's wrong with them and I can't see it? Oh christ I need a mirror!"

"No- Tweek just calm down, one crisis at a time." Craig put a hand on his shoulder which made Tweek calm down a little, not a lot, but a little. "Alright now, stay down here, Cartman is in his room, we have to wait until the coast is clear."

Craig climbed up the ladder and opened the window just a crack so that he could hear what Cartman was saying. "WELL, BUTTERS, I GUESS YOU JUST WEREN'T A VERY GOOD ACTOR THEN! ... NO HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING! ... YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE BUTTERS, ME AND JIMMY WILL DO JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU! ... OK THAT'S IT I'M COMING OVER TO BEAT YOU UP RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" Cartman stormed out of his room. Craig heard him yell something unintelligible, then he heard the front door slam.

"Wow that was actually quicker than I thought it was going to be. Come on Tweek." Craig said. Tweek grunted as they climbed up the ladder.

"Alright, leave no stone unturned Tweek." They searched his room for about an hour to no avail. "Man he must really be giving it to Butters." Craig said.

Craig, much like Jimmy closer to the beginning of the chapter, was wrong. It was actually Butters that was doing most of the giving. "SUBMIT TO CHAOS!" He shouted as imaginary sparks flew out of his fingers.

"Never!" Shouted Cartman who was reeling from his injuries. "Magic Barrier!"

"Fool, pure chaos energy is stronger than any magic!" Butters declared proudly, his cape curiously fluttering behind him despite the lack of wind.

"This isn't even fair, we're not playing superheroes."

"Not even the middle ages were without Chaos, Wizard!" The sparks continued to fly. This fight would prove to be completely inconsequential as Butters and Cartman would both eventually grow tired of it and just forgive each other.

"Well, it works out pretty good for us, let's check in the basement." Craig said.

the two went downstairs. "oh hello there boys." Cartman's mom said. "I think Eric is at his friends house down the street."

"Shut up, Mrs. Cartman." Craig snapped.

"Alrighty then." She replied calmly.

Tweek and Craig continued into the basement. "Jesus, how can you just talk to people like that?" Tweek asked as they searched around the basement.

"What do you mean?" Craig answered with another question.

"You just told Cartman's mom to shut up, you didn't even hesitate, how do you have that level of confidence?"

"I've been telling you this for years Tweek, it's the fine art of not giving a single fuck."

"God you're so- gah, I found something!" Tweek held up a box that said "keep out: for Cartman's eyes only".

"I've got a feeling that's the best we're gonna do, come on let's get out of here before-" Just then the door opened. "Shit!" Craig exclaimed.

"Craig? Is that you?" A voice that didn't belong to Cartman said.

"Who is that?" Craig said.

"It's me, Stan." Stan walked down the stairs and showed himself. "I came because Kyle was searching around here for something earlier, he made it a point to get me out of the house before he looked."

"You're not working for the fatass are you?" Craig asked.

"What? No, if I was working for him why would I be snooping around his house?"

"To spy on us GAH." Said Tweek.

"I'm not a spy, I just want to find out what Kyle was looking for."

"Prove it." Demanded Craig.

"Fine, uhhh... here I'll text Cartman right now. 'Fuck you you big fat dumb asshole I'm not playing with you anymore you fat piece of shit suck my fat one gaywad'. See? Now even if I was working with him he'd be too pissed off to let me continue."

"Alright I guess that logic checks out, come, to Jakovia!" Said Craig.

"Jakovia? That's dumb."

They arrived in the playground. "Here, you know how the bathroom has been locked forever?" Craig asked.

"Yeah." Stan responded.

"Well that was us." Craig opened the door there was a bright light. When his eyes adjusted stan noticed there was a large round wooden table with several chairs around it. One was a computer chair, one a lawn chair, one a bar stool, one a metal folding chair, and in the very back a large cushioned club chair that looked as if it was taken out of someones living room. Tweek sat on the stool and Craig on the metal folding chair. Already in the room were Token and Jimmy who were sitting in the lawn chair and computer chair. "Take a seat, Stan." Craig said.

Stan walked over to the club chair and sat down. "No, not that one retard, that's the bosses seat." Craig snapped.

"But that's the only seat left." Said Stan.

"Then sit on the f-f-floor." Said Jimmy. Stan blinked at him then reluctantly sat on the floor.

"Show us what you got." Said Token.

"Well we got this box, it says it's for Cartman's eyes only, it was the only thing of interest we could find, please don't get angry it's all we could get GAH." Tweek placed the box on the table.

"Should we wait for the boss to come to open it?" Jimmy proposed.

"No, the boss can't show today." Said Token.

"Why not?" Asked Tweek.

"Grounded." Token answered.

"Wait wait, who's the boss?" Stan asked.

"Like we'd tell you, newcomer, you may not be working for wizard fat ass, but that doesn't mean we trust you." Craig said.

"I already figured it out, it's Clyde." Stan said.

"Maybe it's Clyde maybe it's not." Said Token.

"No it's totally Clyde. You're Craig and those guys, the only one missing is Clyde, he's the boss."

"IT'S NOT FUCKING CLYDE!!!" Craig screamed.

"I know it's Clyde." Stan muttered to himself.

"C'mon lets open the box let's open the box let's open the box I can't wait any longeeeeer." Tweek groaned.

"Alright alright g-g-g-give it here, I know a f-f-few lockpicking techniques." Jimmy reached for the box. He fiddled with the lock for a while and then CLICK the lock opened. "I-It's an evelope, it's for St-Stan."

"Stan? You are working for the fatass!" Token drew one of the plastic knives from his belt.

"N-n-n-n-nnnnnnn-nnn-n-n-" Jimmy stammered.

"You lied to us." Craig said standing up and moving towards Stan.

"Guys no, I'm not working for him I swear."

"Then why would he have an envelope for you?!" Tweek yelled.

"N-nnnn-nnnnnnnnnn-" Jimmy continued to struggle.

"Dude, I don't know." Stan backed away.

"A likely story." Craig drew his knife and raised it in the air.

"NO!!" Jimmy shouted. "IT'S FROM KYLE."

"Kyle?" Stan looked at Jimmy. Everyone sat back down and stared at Jimmy as well.

"Yeah, it says 'To Stan, From Kyle.'"

"Gimme that!" Stan said grabbing the envelope out of Jimmy's hand.

"Hey you gotta show that to us!" Token yelled.

"Why?" Stan shot back.

"Because we're the reason you have it in the first place, plus Cartman had it, it could be important." He said.

"How could it be important? All Cartman has now is Butters, the pirates called off the alliance when Kyle was kicked out, and Kevin Stoley cursed him out on the way home from Scott's house."

"It's important because Bebe is missing, he's our only lead."

"Haha, you see Clyde is the boss, why else would you care about finding Bebe?"

"Because Bebe has the Twig of Destiny."

Just then there was loud banging at the door. "ASSHOLES, GIVE ME BACK MY BOX YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES."

"Holy shit dude it's Cartman he's gonna fucking kill us." Tweek spouted.

"Open the door." Craig said.

"What? Why?" Tweek yelped.

"Just do it."

Token nodded and whipped the door open.

"Give me my fucking box ASSHOOOOOOLES!!" Cartman bellowed.

Craig threw down 5 smoke bombs as hard as he could. Stan couldn't see a thing but he heard the door slam, followed by what he could only compare to the sound you hear as an elephant and a pig make sweet love. Then the sound of the window opening, and the pig still squealing. When the smoke cleared Cartman was tied to a stall door.

"Assholes, you can't open my box without a key." He squealed.

"Jimmy got it open, he used a paperclip." Stan said. "It was uber cool."

"That is uber cool, actually, not even I could pick that lock."

"Come on, Stan," said Tweek, "open the envelope."

Stan looked at Cartman. "Sure do it." Cartman said. "This is what I wanted anyway."

"Why did you want this Cartman?"

"Oh just a few suspicions I have based on the circumstances under which I found it, but I think it's gonna be super funny."

Stan hesitated. "I don't know guys, I think I should open this in private, or better yet give it back to Kyle."

"OPEN THE FUCKING ENVELOPE!!" Craig shouted.

"Ok ok fine." Stan reluctantly tore the envelope open. He took out the paper inside and unfolded it. "It says 'Dear Stan'."

"Dear Staaaan." Cartman looked at him like he expected him to keep going.

"That's it, it just says dear Stan." Stan held up the paper so that everyone could see, when everyone had a look Stan folded it up and slipped it into his pocket.

"Well that's dissapointing." Craig mumbled.

"Alright everyone, pack it up, I guess we're going home." Token said.

They all walked outside. "Hey wait guys, you can't just leave me here!" Cartman shouted. "Guys? GU-" the door slammed.

"Oh wait a minute." Token said. He opened the door. "Cartman!"

"Token! Oh I knew you were my friend!" Cartman exclaimed.

"How did you find us?" Token asked.

"Tracking device in the box."

"Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense." Token said as he closed the door.

"Wait, Token, you can't leave me here. TOKEN YOU BLACK ASSHOLE!!!" The door slammed shut again.

"Hey guys, can I play with you from now on?" Stan asked.

"You mean like join up with Jakovia?" Craig asked.

"Yeah."

"You'll have to ask the boss about that." Jimmy said.

"Ok, so Clyde?"

"I don't know if the boss would want you knowing who they are, might even make us relocate." Tweek said.

"We're not relocating, Tweek, look the boss gets ungrounded this weekend, come by on Saturday." Craig said. Tomorrow was Friday so Stan wouldn't have to wait too long for his answer.

As Stan walked home he kept his hand in his pocket, fingers running over the piece of paper from Kyle.


	8. Hot Lemons

The next day Stan walked down the hall with Wendy holding his arm. "So yeah, me and Kyle were talking and we really think we're gonna go through with this one." Stan said.

"That's what you said about the last one." Said Wendy.

"No but you see, last time we didn't have the passion for it, this time it's something real, something that we're both really into and actually _want_ to make, y'know?"

"That's also what you said about the last one." Wendy giggled.

"Whatever, Wendy, you don't know anything." Stan teased her.

"Clearly I know a lot more than you do."

They walked passed Clyde, who was hanging up pictures of Bebe that said "have you seen me?" He looked over at them for a moment but quickly returned to what he was doing.

"You think they're gonna find her?" Wendy asked, her tone suddenly changing drastically.

"Yeah, I 'went missing' tons of times before." Stan reassured her.

"Yeah, but she hasn't." Wendy seemed as if her mind was a million miles away, she was walking arm in arm with Stan down the hall, but her mind was certainly in a completely different place altogether. "Anyway this is my class, bye Stan." Wendy kissed him on the cheek.

"See ya, Wendy." Stan continued down the hall.

"You know, Stan, there are many readily available invisible inks on the market." A familiar voice spoke.

Stan turned around to see Cartman leaning against the wall. "What are you talking about, Cartman?" He groaned.

"Oh nothing, Stan, just letting you know, if you get a blank piece of paper, it may not be as it seems."

Stan thought for a moment before he spoke. "Why do you want me to read that note so bad? What's in it?"

"A note? What note? Oh you mean the one from Kyle, I'd almost completely forgotten about it, but yes I suppose there could be invisible ink on it."

"What's written in the note?" Stan demanded.

"Dude, I'm telling you I don't know, I just think it would be interesting to find out."

"You know something." Stan said firmly.

"Ok ok fine, I don't know what it says but I saw him write it. He stabbed a lemon with a toothpick and wrote with it."

"He stabbed a lemon with a toothpick and wrote with it?"

"Yeah, he stabbed a lemon with a toothpick and wrote with it. And I was looking into the different types of invisible ink, and that's one of them."

"Well sure you could do that with anything, I could dip a toothpick in water and say it's invisible ink."

"No but this is different, if you heat up the paper, the lemon juice actually shows up on the page and you can see what it says."

"Ok whatever, I don't think I should read the note anyway, I shouldn't have even opened it in Jakovia last night, if Kyle wanted me to see it he would have put it in my hand himself. Hey, speaking of Jakovia, how did you escape?"

"I get tied up all the time it's not important. You know what? I'm gonna come by your house later, and we're gonna read that note together."

"I'm not reading the note without Kyle's permission, he's my friend I'm not gonna do that to him. Besides for all I know you wrote that note, you seem a little too eager for me to read it."

"Why don't you just ask Kyle yourself then?"

"Because, dude, I opened it, he'll totally think I'm a huge dick."

"If you already opened it then you're already a dick, just hold a lighter close to the paper, you're not saving yourself from being a dick or anything."

"Then I'd be a double dick."

"You're already a double dick because you opened it in front of everyone, besides you know you want to see it. Plus if you tell me there's a 50 in it for you."

"I do kinda wanna know I guess." Stan wrestled with his own conscience. "I gues your right-"

"As I often am." Cartman cut him off.

"-right about that, but I don't think it's right."

"You don't have to think it's right." Cartman leaned in an whispered. "You just have to want it that bad." He leaned back again. "Alright, good chat, see ya around." He walked away with a certain confidence that made Stan uneasy. That special brand of Cartman confidence that let you know that even if you couldn't see it yet, he won.

Stan walked to class, the rest of the day he couldn't get the note out of his head. When he got to lunch he pulled Kyle aside. "Hey dude, I got something from yours from Cartman."

"Oh, you did?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah, it was a note, a note to me." Stan said.

"He did take it, that asshole." Kyle glared at Cartman across the lunch room. Cartman was currently holding Butters' lunch over his head.

"So you did write it?" Stan asked.

"Yeah did you read it?" Kyle asked.

"No I uhhh, I burned it, Cartman kept trying to get to it so I burned it, figured you could just write another one if it was that important, uh, sorry."

"It's ok dude, it wasn't that important anyways." Kyle told him.

"Oh yeah, ok." Stan looked at him in a way that made it obvious he didn't believe him.

"Dude I'm serious, it wasn't important." Kyle insisted.

"Ok I believe you." He didn't believe him. Kyle could tell he didn't buy it, but he didn't sweat it because as far as he was concerned it was nothing but ash now.

At the end of the day Stan sat at his computer clicking through random videos. He could almost feel the notes presence in his desk, he did his best to ignore it. He clicked onto a video of a platypus egg hatching. _That thing looks like a peeled grape_. He thought to himself. It was a thought he forced himself to think, all of his organic thoughts were of the note. It couldn't be what he was thinking, but at the same time there was only one way to find out.

Stan slowly opened his drawer. He saw the note sitting there, it almost seemed to call out to him. He slammed the drawer shut. "No!" He said aloud to himself. "I'm not gonna read it." Stan flopped onto his bed and slammed his head into his pillow. He rotated his head to face the drawer. _Well, I don't REALLY have anything to lose._ Stan thought.

He walked ovee to the drawer and opened it. He unfolded the paper and took out his lighter. He held it just below the paper. The lemon juice began to turn brown on the paper. What Stan saw shocked him.


	9. The Shoe

Stan's phone rang. Cartman. He answered it. "You read the note." Cartman said.

"How do you know?" Stan asked.

"Because I'm looking in your window." He answered.

Stan turned to see Cartman was indeed outside his window. He walked over and opened it. "What are you doing here?" Stan questioned.

"I was seeing if you were gonna read the note." Cartman said climbing into Stans room.

"Well there's not much to read." Stan said. "It's all gibberish."

"Give it here." Cartman grabbed the note out of Stans hand. Stan was right, not a single actual word was written on the paper. What was written on the paper was "Aopz pz nvuuh il dlpyk iba P nblzz P zovbsk qbza zhf doha P dhua av zhf ha aol ilnpuupun av nla pa vcly dpao. P sprl fvb, fvb kvu'a ohcl av sprl tl ihjr P ruvd aopz pz kbti huk zabwpk, iba P qbza ullk av nla pa vmm tf jolza. Zvyyf pm aopz dlpykz fvb vba."

"This isn't gibberish, Stan, it's some kind of a code." Cartman said."

"Give it back to me Cartman, if it is a code I don't want to crack it, if he really wants to hide it this much I have to respect that." Stan reached for it.

Cartman whipped his arm back. "Dude, we've come this far we have to read it."

Stan tried to tackle Cartman, who didn't budge. "Dude come on, don't embarrass yourself." Cartman looked down at Stan who was quite a bit shorter than him.

"Give it to me Cartman." Stan jumped for it, Cartman lauged. Cartman was taller than almost everyone his age, which has made his favorite passtime holding things over other peoples heads.

Stan thought of a plan. He slipped his lighter into his hand without Cartman noticing. He jumped up as high as he could and when he reached his maximum height he flicked the lighter. The flame didn't light on account of th fact that he was jumping, but a stray spark hit the note and it burst into flames.

"AGH!" Cartman dropped it.

"NO!" He shouted as he stomped out the flame.

"It's too late, Cartman, it's ash now." Said Stan.

Cartman picked up what was left of the paper, nothing of value remained. "Weak dude, fucking weak." He moaned.

"Well, I'm going to watch TV, my parents aren't home so you can stay if you want I guess." Stan walked downstairs and sprawled out on his couch. He flipped on the TV.

"Today's news at the end of the day! It's Good Evening South park. First story of the night, the South Park Cows beat the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in-" Stan was about to change the channel when he heard Cartman rummaging through the fridge.

"You'd better not be looking for what I think you're looking for." He barked.

"Huh?" Cartman turned around holding a beer in either hand.

"Dude, you can't drink my dad's beer." Stan said firmly.

"Why not? He sure drinks enough, does he really need these two?" Cartman held out one for Stan to take.

"Whatever, you can drink one, my dad won't notice."

"You sure you don't want one?" Cartman wagged the bottle around in front of Stan.

"I can't, if I start I won't be able to stop."

"Whatever dude." Cartman put one back and cracked open the other. They both walked into the living room.

"Here with the special report is a midget in a bikini." The reporter said.

"Thanks Tom I'm standing here in the woods just north of Starks Pond with two young boys who found the shoe that supposedly belonged to missing teenager Bebe Stevens."

Cartman spat out his beer. "BEBE?!?"

"HEY MAN YOU GOT IT ON THE CARPET!" Stan shouted.

The camera panned over to show Kenny and Butters standing there holding a shoe.

"BUTTERS!!" Cartman dropped the beer and ran out the front door. The bottle shattered upon hitting the floor.

"God dammit Cartman." Stan mumbled. "Now I have to clean this mess up."

"Just what was it you boys were doing out here in the first place." The midget asked.

"Err, nothin'." Butters said. "Ya hear that dad? We weren't doin' nothin' in the woods so you don't have to bother woth groundin' me." He looked directly into the camera. Kenny was standing behind him staring blankly into the distance.

Cartman raced down the street, now fully dressed up in his wizard robes. "Butters you asshole," he said to himself, "you'd better not give up that shoe.

As he closed in on the pond he saw Butters explaining what they found. "And ya see, there's this gooey rainbowy glittery stuff on it. I thought it was glitter glue at first but it's all tingly when ya touch it."

Kenny spotted Cartman barrelling towards them. He squinted his eyes to make sure he was seeing what he thought he was. "Butters, I think that's Cartman." He nudged Butters.

"Huh?" Butters looked over.

"BUTTERS, GIVE ME THAT SHOE."

"NO!" Another voice shouted "GIVE IT TO ME BUTTERS." Cartman turned around to see Scott Malkinson had been following him.

"Tom it appears a wizard and a kid with diabetes have come to take the shoe from the boys." The midget said.

"Butters, don't listen to him, he's a moorish asshole traitor. You're on my side, man." Cartman reached his hand out.

"The moorish have more men," Scott said, "join us, Cartman is the losing team." He slapped Cartmans hand down.

"AY" Cartman shouted and smacked Scott on the forehead with his staff.

"Ow." Scott fell backwards.

"Don't slap me you son of a bitch." Cartman muttered.

Butters looked back and forth at them. "Uhhh".

"Butters, we both know you aren't gonna side with the moorish, they're a bunch of reject dorks, Kupa Keep is where you belong."

"Kupa Keep is just Cartman." Scott said standing up. "He'll be your only ally."

"Butters," Kenny put his hand on his shoulder, Butters looked up at him, "both of these guys are dorks, don't give the shoe to either of them."

"Oh, are you really going to listen to that guy?" Cartman asked. "Butters, he's totally a queer."

"He knows, Cartman, he's literally my boyfriend." Kenny rolled his eyes.

"Oh right, forgot that detail."

"Hey, uhh, Mr. Midget?" Said Butters.

"Yeah?"

"Can I take this shoe home?" He asked.

"Sure I don't see why not."

"I'm listening to Kenny." Butters declared. "I'm keepin' this shoe for myself." He turned and ran as fast as he could. Kenny turned to Cartman and Scott gave them finger guns and followed butters.

"I hate you Scott." Cartman sighed and sulked all the way back to Stans house.

"Well what should we do with it?" Butters asked.

"I dunno, we'll figure it out tomorrow I guess." Kenny said. "It's getting pretty late, I should probably go home now."

"Oh, alright then. See ya Ken." Butters said.

"Yeah." Kenny kissed Butters on the cheek. "See ya."

Butters didn't know it but that night a shadowy figure sneeked into his room. It crept silently through his halls checking each and every drawer and compartment. Finally it lurked into Butters' room. "Here it is." It muttered. It found the shoe that belonged to Bebe in Butters' closet. It tucked the shoe under it's jacket and slipped out silently.

Upon realizing the shoe was gone, Butters immediately called Kenny. "Yeah, I'm lookin, it's not where I left it."

"Well it's gotta be somewhere, it can't have just vanished." Said Kenny.

"Well it's not anywhere, can you come help me look?" Butters begged.

"No, Butters I told you I'm busy today. I gotta go, I'm already late. Yeah I gotta go I gotta go." He hung up the phone. He walked over to the closet and opened it. He pushed all his clothes aside, hung neatly near middle, but not so close to the middle that it's immediately noticeable, was a dress resembling Princess Zelda's almost exactly.


	10. The Substance

Stan woke up. He stretched out and yawned. He robbed his eyes groggily and checked his home. He had 2 texts from Craig. The first one said "Jokovia 2 pm" and the second said "don't be late". He went downstairs.

"Stanley." His father called.

"Yeah dad?" Stan said reaching the bottom of the stairs.

"Why does the carpet smell like beer?"

Stan winced. "It was Cartman, he was here last night and he took a beer without asking and dropped it."

Randy looked at him suspiciously. "Stanley, I know you had a drinking problem, it runs in the family you know."

"Sure does, you'd have to be a real alcoholic to keep a fridge filled to max capacity with beers when you know your teenage son will be tempted by them."

"I'm not an alcoholic Stan, I'm a beer and wine enthusiast and it's a hobby."

"If that's what you wanna call it." Stan rolled his eyes.

"That's it, you're grounded for the whole weekend."

"Oh wow the whole weekend I've really learned my lesson." Stan made himself a bowl of cereal and took it up into his room.

"Hey Sharon, have you seen my mexican mole lizard?" Randy wandered into the kitchen.

Meanwhile at the Pentagon in Washington D.C. a meeting was happening. "So we're sure the stuff was on the shoe?" A gruff looking man in military uniform said.

"Well we can't be sure, for all we know it was glitter glue, all we have to go on is news broadcast footage." A man with glasses and a lab coat answered.

"Well dammit you're a scientist can't you run some tests?" Another man, this one in a 3 piece suit, demanded.

"Sir it's nothing but footage, we can't identify the substance through footage."

"IN ENGLISH DAMMIT!!!" The military man roared.

"I don't see what there is to misunderstand here, without actually having the substance I ca-"

"IN FRENCH!!!!"

"Sans avoir réellement la substance, je ne peux pas l'identifier."

"IN ARABIC!!!"

"بدون المواد الموجودة بالفعل ، لا يمكنني التعرف عليها."

"Fine then, we're just gonna have to nuke the whole town."

"Sir, don't you think that's just a tiny bit drastic?"

"NOTHING IS DRASTIC NUKE THE TOWN!!!"

"Wait wait sir, I think I know how we can do this without nuking the town."

"Without nuking the town? Have you gone mad?"

"If we could just send someone in to retrieve the shoe, we could get it back, removing the substance from the town." The scientist adjusted his glasses

"You crazy bastard, that just might work."

"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too." Butters hummed the old tune he'd been humming since pre-school as he walked down the street. A shady black car pulled up next to him.

"Hey." The man in the front seat said as he rolled down the window.

"Aww geez, I know what this is about." Butters said tapping his fists together.

"You do?" The man asked.

"Yeah, you're gonna sodomize, me aren't you?"

"Wha- no."

"Oh, good, see ya then." Butters started to walk away but the man drove along side him.

"You gotta get in the car though."

"No I don't wanna."

The man pulled out a gun and pointed it at him. Butters sighed. "Fine I'll get in, but you better not sodomize me." Butters slid in the back seat.

"Kid I need to ask you a few questions." Said the man.

"Oh, ok then."

"You were the one who found that shoe right?"

"You mean the one that belonged to Bebe?"

"Yeah, the girl who went missing."

"Yeah, I found it."

"And you took it home with you right?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have it now?"

"No, I lost it.

The man slammed the break and the car screeched to a halt. "YOU LOST IT?!?"

Butters sunk down into his seat. "Well yeah I kind of misplaced it."

The man took a deep breath. "Could anyone else have taken it?"

"Well maybe Kenny."

"Who's Kenny?"

"He's my, err, friend." Butters forced a smile.

The man eyed him cautiously. "Do you know where he is right now?"


	11. The Boss

Kyle stood outside Stan's house throwing rocks at Stans bedroom window. Stan walked over to the window and opened it.

"Hey Stan!" Kyle called up to him.

"Yeah dude?" Stan called back.

"C'mon, it's gonna be almost 70 degrees out today, that's the warmest it's been this time of year in like decades, we gotta do something." Kyle said excitedly.

"I can't man, I'm grounded." Stan replied glumly.

"Aw boooo! What happened."

"I mouthed off to my dad."

"Lame, guess I gotta find someone else to hang out with."

"Almost everyone else is busy, but hey wait I was supposed to do something with them, you should take my place."

"What do you mean 'take your place'?"

Just then Randy walked into Stan's room. "Stanley, who are you talking to?" He asked.

Stan cursed under his breath. "Go to the boys bathroom at the park in costume." And he slammed the window shut. "No one anymore." He said to his father.

"Don't be a wise ass, Stan." Said Randy walking over to the window. "Stan's grounded, he can't hang out." He called down to Kyle.

Kyle, now in his room, was getting dressed to go to the park. He wouldn't have trusted such a weird order from anyone but stan. He adjusted his crown of branches around his green hat. He looked at himself in the mirror. Ike just happened to walk by at that moment. "Are we doing Twig of Destiny again?" He asked.

"I'm not really sure, Ike, Stan just told me to go to the boys bathroom at the patk in costume." Kyle replied.

"That seems a little suspicious." Said Ike, tilting his head.

"Yeah, I thought so, but it's Stan. I doubt he would set me up to embarrass myself." Kyle assured him.

"Can I come with you?" Asked Ike.

"Sure, why?"

"Well it's just a little weird, the boys bathroom at the playground has been locked up for as long as I can remember, I want to see what's up with it."

"Oh, alright then, but put your pirate costume on."

Ike and Kyle left for the playground in costume. They got weird looks from everyone they passed, but it hardly even registered in their minds that they were passing anyone. When they arrived Kyle tugged the door handle. "It's locked he said to Ike." They then heard hushed whispers. They would never find out what those whispers were saying, but you will.

Craig peered therough the grate on the door, it was angled in such a way that if you were tall enough, or had something to stand on, you would be able to see through it, but you wouldn't be able to see in.

"Who is it, C-Craig?" Jimmy whispered.

"It's the high elf, and the pirate king." Craig answered.

"What do we do? Should we let them in?" Token put forward.

"No way man, no way, too many people already know about this place." Tweek said, trying and failing to be quiet.

"I can hear you guys whispering in there you know." Yelled Kyle. They all looked at each other.

"No you can't." Said Craig. Kyle didn't even know how to respond to this.

"Just let me in." He said.

"Why should we?" Asked Craig.

"Stan sent me."

Craig opened the door. "Come in but don't expect to be allowed to stay."

"Why did Stan send you instead of coming himself?" Craig asked

"Because he's grounded." Kyle said, stepping in. "He had a fight with his dad or something I think, I didn't get the full story." Craig shut the door.

"It's actually kind of a good thing that he came here" Token put forward. "We do have something to be discussed with him."

"I d-don't think he'd talk about it." Said Jimmy.

"What? What is there to be discussed with me?" Kyle asked.

Ike leaned forward. "I knew it." He whispered nudging Kyle.

Kyle lightly pushed him away. "What wouldn't I want to talk

about?" He demanded.

"It's nothing, trust us Kyle it'll only piss you off." Said Craig.

"Dude don't tell him that." Tweek cut in. "It'll only make him want to hear it more."

"Just tell me."

"He's not gonna stop asking now, we might as well just tell him." Said Token. "We could get some information about it."

"We should at least wait for the boss to get here." Craig rolled his eyes.

"Who's the boss?" Ike asked.

"Oh shit, do you think the boss would want them knowing who they are?" Asked Tweek.

"W-w-w-we'll have to blindfold them and s-someone text the boss to bring the voice changer." Jimmy wrapped a blindfold Ike and Kyle and made them sit in the corner. "N-now just wait here until the boss gets here."

Ike and Kyle sat for about an hour. Everyone made idle conversation and twiddled their thumbs. Occasionally Kyle tried to pry about what they wanted to discuss with him, but he always got shut down. Finally there was a knock at the door. "It's the boss, the boss is here." Tweek said. Kyle heard the tapping of everyone's feet and the door swing open.

"NEWCOMER." A deep voice boomed. "YOU DARE STEP INTO THE KINGDOM OF JAKOVIA?"

Kyle couldn't helped but be a little but unnerved even though he knew it was a voice changer. "Uhhh... yeah?"

"FOOL, YOU WILL PAY THE CONSEQUENCES, I WILL SMITE THEE DOWN FOR SULLYING THE SACRED LAND. THE LAND THAT HAS BEEN PROTECTED FOR SO MANY YEARS! TWEEK!!! CRAIG!!!"

"Yes?" Tweek sqeaked.

"REMOVE THEIR BLINDFOLDS!!!"

"Yes!" Tweek and Craig scurried over and untied both of their blindfolds. In front of them stood a boy in a dress and a long wig with a huge grin across his face.

"Gotcha dude." Kenny winked.

"Kenny? Dude!" Kyle shouted.

"Hahahahaha, dude you actually got scared." Kenny laughed.

"No I didn't." Kyle said through his teeth.

"Yes you did, you and your little brother were shaking."

"I wasn't shaking." Said Ike.

"Oh whatever, so what's up, you guys here to join up with Jakovia or what?" He asked.

"Well, I'm not sure," Kyle started, "Stan told me to come here. When I got here Token said you had something to discuss with me. Also Jakovia is a stupid name."

"Yeah well we thought of it in middle school so." Kenny explained. "And I don't have anything to discuss with you."

Craig flinched. "Shit, we didn't tell him did we?"

"Hey, see the dress? It's _her, _I'm the fairest maiden in all the land." Kenny rose his hands over his head.

"Oh yeah, about that, I thought you hated Princess Kenny." Kyle looked at him.

"Well, uh..." Kenny's eyes darted back and forth. "Dude don't tell anyone who's not playing, I only agreed to come because I didn't think you would tell."

"Well, why didn't you tell Butters you were playing?"

"Oh come on, I love the boy, but he can't keep a secret for shit."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. Anyway can you guys please just tell me what you want to talk about with me." Kyle said, turning to face everyone else.

"Err, we kinda opened a note that you wrote to Stan." Said Token.

"WHAT?!"

"BUT IT WAS BLANK, IF THERE WAS A NOTE THAT HAD SOMETHING IMPORTANT ON IT IT WAS A DIFFERENT ONE." Tweek blurted out.

"HE OPENED IT IN FRONT OF YOU?!?"

"Yeah." Said Craig.

"HE TOLD ME HE BURNED IT!!!"

"R-relax man. It's not a b-b-big deal." Jimmy added.

"IT IS A BIG DEAL!! Kenny, Ike, come on we're going to Stan's house." He walked out of the bathroom.

"Yeah, more revenge!" Cheered Ike, trailing closely behind Kyle.

"Wait why do I have to be a part of this?" Kenny asked.

"Just come on!" Kyle grabbed his arm and marched down the street.


	12. Kyle Goes Cartman

"Yes, yes, yes, on it sir." The man in the suit hung up his phone, he turned around to Butters who was still sitting in the back seat. "I just got orders to find your little friend at all costs."

"O-ok sir." Butters gulped. His face was completely white.

"At all costs, you got that? I can do whatever I want to anyone, including you, to track him down." The man stared at Butters intensely sending shivers down his spine.

Butters gulped. "I-if I tell you where he is, do you promise not to hurt him?"

"As long as he hands over the shoe I won't have to."

"Well he said he was busy, but his address is, err, 635 Avenue de Los Mexicanos." He tugged at his own color feeling like he made a mistake.

Meanwhile Kenny was getting dragged to a conflict he didn't want to be a part of. "Dude come on, I'm not a part of this, I don't want to get involved."

"This could be something that breaks up our friendgroup, and I think you're cool, Kenny, I want you to be on my side."

"I don't really want to take sides."

"Come on, what he did was messed up, you have to admit that."

"Well sure, but I don't wanna get involved in this drama."

"What about Stick of Truth Kenny? What about the Coon and Friends? Ike, golf ball." He reached out his hand, Ike put a golf ball in it. "EAT THIS ASSHOLE!!!" Kyle swung the golf club and the ball shattered Stan's bedroom window. Kyle cheered quietly to himself.

"Dude what the shit?" Kenny yelled.

"What?"

"That was a total Cartman move, man." Kenny glared at Kyle.

"No it wasn't." Kyle shot back.

"Cartman!" Stan shouted as he came to the window. "Wha- Kyle and Kenny? What the fuck?!?"

"Hey asshole, I heard you opened the letter." Kyle called up.

"What?" Stan stumbled back a bit in surprise.

Just then Randy opened his bedroom window. "Hey, Stan you're supposed to be grounded why are tou talking to-" His attention moved to Kyle Kenny and Ike. "Oh are we playing stick of truth? Sharon, Sharon where's my sword?" He shut the window and vanished from sight.

"Oh dude, now you've got that idiot involved." Kenny slapped his forehead.

Stan backed away into his room. "STAN GET BACK HERE!!" Kyle shouted.

"Not so fast." Randy said coming out the front door wielding a sword and shield. "If you wanna get to stan you gotta go through me first! KYAAAAA!" Randy raised his arm and slashed down at Kyle.

Kyle quickly raised his golf club in front of his face, a loud clang ran out. "Jesus Christ dude, is that a real fucking sword?" He shouted. Randy ignored him and reeled back for another hit, this time a side slash. Kyle dropped to the floor to avoid it. "DUDE YOU'RE INSANE!!" Kyle screamed.

"Oh hahaha, lets all laugh at the adult because he enjoys a kids game." Randy mocked. He slashed at Kyle, who again blocked.

"Ike, Kenny, do something." Kyle pleaded. Ike had already run away when no one was looking.

Kenny grunted nervously and drew his bow. He pulled it back and one of his suction cup arrows whizzed through the air and planted itself firmly on the side of Randy's head. "Little shit." Randy muttered to himself. He tried to pull the suction cup off but it wasn't budging.

"Kyle, now!" Kenny shouted. Kyle quickly swiped the back of Randy's knees with his golf club. He scrambled to his feet.

"In the house in the house NOW!!" He shouted, him and Kenny ran inside and slammed the door. "LOCK IT LOCK IT!!!" They locked Randy out.

"Holy shit dude, he's fucking crazy." Kenny panted.

"I always knew he had a few screws loose but I never thought he'd actually try to kill us." Kyle walked towards the stairs. "C'mon, Kenny, we gotta get Stan."

"Are you crazy dude? His dad just tried to kill us."

"All the more reason, let's go." Kyle started up the stairs.

"I don't think I want to be a part of this, it's getting a bit too real." Kenny didn't, at that point, know how real things were about to become. Kyle rolled his eyes. He whipped Stan's door open.

"Hey, cock ass, you're insane father just tried to kill me and Kenny."

"Dude I promise I didn't read the note." Stan said.

"You think I'm mad about that? The note was FOR YOU, if you opened it whatever, if you read it then whatever. If it git to you under dubious circumstances I don't care, it just makes things easier for me." Kyle was clearly fuming.

"Then why are you mad?" Stan asked.

"I'm mad because you lied about it, and because you opened it on front of everyone, both of those things are incredibly uncool, and then you send your dad to KILL ME??"

"I didn't send him to kill you, he's just insane."

"You didn't stop him, and don't give me any bullshit I saw you watching in the window."

"Kyle I'm sorry, what do you want from me?"

Kyle looked at Stan and sighed. As mad at him as he was he couldn't bring himself to beat him up, even though that's what he came here to do. His attention shifted to the shattered window, the glass glittering on the floor. Kenny calling him Cartman echoed in his mind. "You hurt me, Stan, I hope you know this means war."

"In the game right? This is war in the game?"

"Yeah, Stan, in the game." Kyle turned and walked out the door. He glanced at Stan one last time, he could see the regret in his eyes, but the anger he felt made him turn away and close the door. "Let's go Kenny, we're leaving."

"What did you do?" Kenny asked.

"I declared war I guess. Kenny, I'm sorry I dragged you into this. But if war happens within the confines of the game, can I count on Jakovia? I understand if you don't want to get involved."

Kenny paused. Before he could answer a bullet pierced the door and flew past their heads. "JESUS FUCK!!" Kenny shouted.

"HOLY SHIT WHY DID YOU DO THAT???" Butters yelled at the man, who had locked him in the car.

"He has a weapon." Said the man, referring to Randy.

"It's fake!! It's a fake sword it just looks really real!" Randy defended himself.

"Is there a Kenny McCormick in your house?" The man asked.

Randy hesitated. "Uhhh, no, never heard of anyone named Kenny McCormick in my life, go away now, don't come back if you're looking for Kenny. Bye!" Randy turned to open the door but it was locked. He turned to the man and smiled awkwardly. He knocked on the door. "The sword was fake, please open the door." He said. The door opened slightly and he slipped in.

"Kenny what the fuck did you do?" He whispered aggressively.

"Nothing, I don't know why he's looking for me." Kenny responded.

"Well you'd better start thinking because he's not afraid to kill people."

"You just tried to kill us like 10 minutes ago!!" Kenny shot back.

"With a fake sword."

"It looked pretty goddamn real to me."

"Because it was made to look real."

There was knock at the door. "Ugh, go hide somewhere." Randy shoved Kenny who ran off. He opened the door. "Oh hey you, what's up?" Randy chuckled awkwardly.

"Yeah, do you mind if I have a look around?" The man pushed his way in.

"Not at all sir." Randy moved aside.

"Who's this kid?" The man said pointing to Kyle.

"My names Kyle Broflovski I live next door." Kyle said. The man squinted at him and cleared his throat.

"Do you happen to know where Kenny McCormick is?"

"No sir."

"Right. I'm just gonna check upstairs real quick." Kenny was hiding in the crawl space. He heard each stair creek above him. The man had a few words with Stan when he discovered his room and searched Shelly's extensively. He walked out not having noticed the crawl space was there at all.

He got back in the car with Butters still in the back. "No sign of kenny in there, must've been a fake tip. I guess we'll just have to go door to door."

"With all due respect sir, I told you everything I know, why do I have to come with you?" Butters asked.

"Oh, that's because you're an incredibly important piece of the puzzle, Leopold Stotch is your name, right?"


	13. Cartman's New Ally

"My balls my balls suck 'em suck 'em dry." Cartman sang as he walked down the street. He knocked on Clyde's door, Clyde's dad answered. "Hello, is Clyde home?" He asked.

"Well, he is, but I don't know if he wants visitors." He told Cartman.

"Why not?"

"He's real upset about his girlfriend, I haven't seen him this distraught since his mom passed." Clyde's dad explained.

"I'm sure I could cheer him up. Can you just give me a chance to try?" Cartman begged.

"Alright I suppose, but if he doesn't want to talk just leave him be ok?"

"Sure thing Mr. Donavan." Cartman hurried upstairs. He knocked twice on Clyde's bedroom door and opened it a crack before Clyde could answer. "Hey Clyde."

Clyde was watching something on his phone, he had his headphones in. Cartman crept into his room. He yanked the headphones out of his ears. "HEY CLYDE!!" he shrieked as loud as he could.

"AAAAGHH" Clyde fell over. "What the fuck? What are you doing here?"

"I saw you last night." Cartman smirked.

"What?" Clyde asked propoing himself up again on the bed.

"I saw you last night stealing the shoe from Butters."

"I didn't steal anything, she was my girlfriend, if anything I was next in line for that shoe."

"You want to find her." Cartman stated firmly. Clyde tilted his head.

"Of course I want to find her, she means everything to me."

"Oh my god, cool it with the lovey dovey Romeo. I only say that because that's the reason you took the shoe. You think it's a clue."

"Well I guess so, but why do you care?"

"Because, stupid, she has the twig of destiny."

The mere mention of the thing made Clyde furious. "You're fucking kidding me right now, you have to be."

"No way dude, it has powers greater than that of the stick of truth." Cartman explained for thethousandth time.

"You got a fucking problem or something?" Clyde stood up and stared Cartman down.

"What?" Cartman backed up a bit. "No I don't got a problem, who's got a problem." As much of an asshole as Cartman was he followed one rule, never get beat up by Clyde.

"My girlfriend is out there, she could be dead for all I know and you want me to hand over the only shred of hope I have of finding her, just so that you can find some stupid twig?"

Cartman hesitated. "It's not just some twig, it's the twig of destiny." He knew he fucked up even before he finished speaking.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FAT FUCK." He screamed as he tackled Cartman and grabbed him by the neck.

"WAIT I WANT TO HELP YOU." Cartman pleaded. "I CAN HELP I CAN HELP."

"Why the fuck should I believe you?" Clyde loosened his grip.

"Because we both want the same thing, we both want to find Bebe." Cartman wheezed.

"Why do I need your help?"

"Come on, have you seen my track record? I broke into the fucking pentagon when I was 8, I'm a pretty powerful ally."

Clyde let go. "If I sense anything suspicious, which I'm certain I will, I will not hesitate to knock your teeth in."

Cartman gulped, Clyde could and definitely would do it. He reached his hand out, Clyde took it and clutched it firmly. For the time being, they had a deal.

A/N

Sorry this chapter was so short. Been kinda going through it recently, as I'm sure we all have, I don't think I need to get into why.


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